Ah, now I get it was always meant to be like that,
even when there were no obvious restrictions
and yet I fabricated them,
felt them as if they were more than real.
I messed up things when it was all so easier,
why it seems easy to me when it’s so complicated?
I am still confused if the things I imagined were
just as ethereal and fake as my emotions.
They say love inspires, fortifies, elevates,
it pushes and makes one brave enough
to go and talk, reveal how much she matters to you.
Nay, it did inspire but only to bring forth my cowardice.
Was it really love, or just an illusion?
Why didn’t it charge me with courage?
Oh, I was so dumb but my eyes always spoke for me,
You are so fond of reading, aren’t you?
I wish you could read through them too,
You knew it all, you still blew it all.
Probably I was too coward, perhaps you were too blind!
I have kept wondering all these years
while I suffered in my self-created hell,
even tried to turn my love into hate but failed.
Yes, it was always meant to be like that,
it was always meant to be forbidden.
Is it really forbidden, then who is forbidding it?
Was it me back then, or is it you now?
Ages have gone by
and just at the time I started learning to live,
thinking I tamed that unconquerable beast,
You’re back again to nourish the monster that eats me.
Should I be happy for your being around,
or should I just be ready
to be hurled into the dungeon again?
For me, it’s dying either way,
but I would love you anyway,
I want to live loving you, I want to die loving you,
I live or die — does it even matter to you?
You tell me what way I should go by.
No, you need not say anything,
I probably understand it all
for the first time, things are making sense.
You seem to feel it now, partake it now,
Am I wrong? I do not know.
At least I am free to draw my conclusions.
The only thing I am sure about
it’s still the same old forbidden thing.
Probably it’s better late than never,
Is it better to have the part of it than having it full?
I always thought I would have time,
so, is it the time I always wished to have?
I love you with a love that’s forbidden,
and yet I can’t stop.
You make me feel like no one has ever made me feel,
with just a look I swoon,
with just a glance I feel the groove,
with just a stare I live and die.
Sometimes I dream and scream during nights,
I had had a dream last night,
and even now when my eyes stay gaped,
I see and remember it all so vividly.
Ah, I still relive those very moments worth all my life.
Your arms around me, feeling the warmth,
I felt so weak, so powerless, so lost,
it shivered me to the bones,
I had to look for a prop to stand your touch.
You looked at me and my soul shuddered with awe and joy,
and my heart skipped a beat.
Your breath clashing against my pounding heart,
melting it into fumes,
Was it really you or just some furnace I took for you?
You breathed incense from all pores
and I kept sucking the smell of your skin,
just wanted to have more and more of it.
Was is some perfume or the smell of love?
Why did it feel so familiar?
That pressing hard against each other,
feeling each other for the first time.
Was it just a failed attempt on my part
to turn two selves into one big Self for once and always?
Oh, I felt so complete after ages,
sobbing and rubbing myself against you,
murmuring vague things I still remember.
My tears rolling down your shoulder
did it feel tickling to you? I still wonder.
I love you with a soft gentle love
that would shake you to the core.
In my dreams, I feel you near me,
around me, nay, inside me.
I want to love you openly without fear or reservation,
I wish to shout with ecstasy and let them all know,
but remember, this is a forbidden love,
I have to keep it secret and love you only in my dreams.
For only in my dreams am I acceptable to you,
only in my dreams can my fantasies be realized.
I am caught between the real, unreal and surreal,
their borders seem to fade and blend with each other.
If trances are so real, so immediate,
who cares about reality?
I am going to live
rest of my years as a resident of that land of dreams,
the fading sound of the clock’s tick-tock
keeps resounding in my ears
as I keep waiting for another dream moment to unfold…
– Rakesh Shukla
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